Lance Berkman - 1B/OF - Houston Astros - The Big Puma stole bases 13 and 14 tonight. In your face, Michael Bourn!
Kevin Youkilis - 1B/3B - Boston Red Sox - The Greek God of Walks has been welding the hot bat lately. Today, he had three hits, including a HR and four RBIs. However, he is going to fall apart in the 2nd half.
Miguel Cabrera - 1B/3B - Detroit Tigers - I think that my nickname streak is going to end. The Flabby Venezuelan doesn't have a ring to me. His two-run HR in the bottom of the 9th won it today for Detroit. He has three dingers in the last two games. Quietly, Cabrera now has 16 HRs and 59 RBIs.
Ben Sheets - SP - Milwaukee Brewers - One, I can't spell "Milwaukee." Thank you Bill Gate's haircut for "Copy and Paste." Two, I don't care if Ben Sheets rescues puppies from a burning building, he still stinks and will be injured in a bizarre gardening accident that will best be left unsolved. Third, he lost today, but struck out 11 batters in only six innings.
Mark Mulder - SP - St. Louis Cardinals - I feel bad listing the guy as a "Bum," but Mulder left his first start today after just 16 pitchers. Despite naming him a "Bum", I hope he recovers from the Billy Beane curse.
Arizona Diamondback's offense - The D'Backs were shut out by my Washington Nationals. Pathetic. In glass half-full news, Chris Young only struck out once, leaving him with 88 Ks in 90 games.
F-Rod - RP - Los Angeles Angels - F'Rod actually blew a save tonight against Texas. Send a trade immediately to whoever owns him. It might be your lucky night.